3 posts tagged “white privilege”
Harshness in parenting. We've seen it across cultures, certainly.
But what is it really? It's a less harsh scenario than what that parent grew up in.
They've managed to lessen the blows they pass on to their young one.
But how?
Through sheer goodness. Through sheer love for their child.
And sheer hatred for what happened to them.
They decided back then, back when it was so hard, to never inflict that same crap--the harshness they found themselves receiving--onto another human being. Ever.
And now you'll hear them lament that they are "just like their mom", "just like their dad."
They aren't.
They are less harsh, less mean--even if only by a fraction. But their parenting lets you get a glimpse of how it was for them as children.
But that stuff happened. And it goes into one's brain like a recording.
It doesn't seem to matter whether I saw someone be mistreated or I was actually mistreated myself. Being that small and mostly unable to stop the unfair and senseless harshness--in whatever form--is a hurt.
And hurts become oppressor patterns down the road. (In the case of POC internalized oppression.)
Unless!
Unless a natural healing process is allowed.
A young person will automatically reach for this. Watch them.
If hurt, bored, frightened, etc. a small child, before she/he has been stopped by well-meaning adults--will release the tension which is in the way of their "life-is-good" awareness.
One reason it gets hard for parents to listen to the young one is they often need someone to "blame" for their hurt, their "ow".
So the parent--who is the safest and closest person around is perfect for that need. "I hate you!" is a fine thing to say to get out the sense of helplessness and disappointment our young one is releasing at that time.
"I want to be alone" translates into, "Please stay nearby. This feels really bad right now." (And "Please don't take this personally and start dumping your parent-shit on ME.") So "I hate you" is hopeful. Things are going well in that household. So get down on the floor and smile lovingly at this brilliant being.
I swear some parenting advice on "respecting" your child is so confused they might as well say, "Respect your child's distressed confusion."
No, you can be respectful and thoughtful of the human but that means having the information that human beings thrive on closeness-particularly when they're feeling bad.
Going off alone by one's self is NOT, imo, the way to deep healing of an issue. It's a good way to "cope," to learn; "I just have to deal with this because no one else can support me here." It's a way to settle for isolation. It's giving up.
Don't give up on your young person.
(But just know you are going to need support because all your impatience, all your own victim stuff, all your insecurities will come up the minute your child shows you how hard things are inside.)
I can teach you to counsel your children.
Just like I can teach you how to not rub a black person's head unless you're really close friends and they've consented. I can tell you not to call a black man or young person "boy".
But that isn't what ends your racism--and it isn't what will end your adultism as a parent either.
Listening to you will.
I'd much rather teach you and a friend how to unravel your racist ignorance than give you a list of cultural etiquette to follow.
In the same way I hesitate to "teach parenting classes".
I teach nothing.
But connection.
Connection brings our humanness back. It brings back our natural inclination to cry out the racism, to cry out the harshness that happened to us as young ones. To rage out, shake and tremble out, to laugh hard--releasing the tension--(the tension which for POC settles the racism within themselves where it is turned on their own group or affects their health etc.)
So, no. No "list" of how to "not be racist" or how to "be a good parent".
You are a good parent.
And racism got stuck to you but it is NOT YOU! It rolls off easily through connection and time to tell how it got there. You need time to tell me/your peer HOW did racism come to be plastered all over your once fine and unfettered mind?
What's your first, your earliest recollection?
And none of this, "Oh, no that's not me. I'm not racist."
Okay then, so you live in a world of white privilege where folks of color are suffering and you do nothing about it. You're maybe trying to save the environment?
You don't think that apathy itself is racist?
Let's back up a little.
You're good. You're a good parent. Let's say you're white. Do you notice you're white? Is that comfy for ya? Or not?
If it's pissing you off that I call you white girl/guy, the self-studying soul that you are (TIC) then embrace it!
Why the hell not, dear baby boomer, embrace your discomfort, take my word for it for five seconds and know that you've been deeply conditioned to hold racism firmly in place with your VERY smug self-righteousness!!
And this trains your children to do the same.
If you don't beleive me, take your white child right now deep as you can into the heart of a black or brown large family or town and get in real close. Settle yourself down on the couch or the floor and stay awhile.
Your child (if not you) will begin a show of just how far y'all have gotten as white folks from really being "colorblind."
You're not. That's right. You're about as colorblind as a hummingbird.
Go be the minority for a few hours.
The feelings you feel are the racism stuck to you.
But there is hope!
(It's not a natural state to be uncomfortable around a large group of POC. You actually get to get through this. :-))
There's hope for ending harshness in ourselves as parents and there's hope for melting out fucking rigidities around race and class!
It's not a gimmick. It's not snake oil. It's not a cult, trademarked or patented.
It's called time, attention, listening, processing, connecting and ACTION!
Sea Ganschow leads white people in punching the time clock to talk about, process and END racism.
Crossposted at culturekitchen.com
I know that the
thing I just read on Persephone's Box makes sense. But I also know that it is something
I've been thinking about lately.
I once had an exceptional philosophy student who had lived in India most of his life in abject poverty. A relative sponsored him to get him a better education here. We were studying the nature of happiness one day. He told us that he doesn't think anyone in Canada knows what happiness is. Back home in India, people who hadn't eated in a day were happier than Canadians. He said he'd never seen so many miserable, depressed people. In his analysis, we don't know how to be happy because we think it's tied to money, pretty clothes, nice houses and good schools, but it's not at all. If you want to measure happiness, you have to measure the quality of relationships people have. He suggests that if you hate your parents, like most of the high school kids he met did, then how can you possibly be happy? And if you can't stay in a relationship with one person for more than a few years, how happy can you be?
I think he's on to something. We even expect kids to go through a stage of development characterized by annoyance with their elders. And energy is spent on careers and consuming at the expense of time playing and loving. But we look around and think, we've got so much stuff, we must be happy.
The part "we even expect kids to go through ... annoyance with their elders..." The whole post is good and I wanted to write about being an ally to teens. ... (It also ties in well with my recent money recovery project day one and day two.)
I mean, it's just wild that he also asked me today about what happened two years ago. I mean, it took two years of just consistently being around his mom, being a friend, and sort of just like being around without really pushing anything (for him to feel close enough to me and safe enough I guess) and he asked me today what happened. I had been working on an anti-racism assembly, a racism awareness assembly we were calling it then, and one day the staff just plain kicked my ass out of the project.
No one else was available to assist the young people of color. But me.
One of the teachers yelled at me and called me a reverse racist. That was pretty funny. But altho I could not come to the meetings I still followed through on what the young people had requested of me and I got them a speaker. R.N., ass-kick black woman of Portland. And all the fears that it was going to be a hostile assembly were unfounded. R.N. could not be more loving. She is tough but she is full of love. For all.
So today, he asked me what had happened to me because the staff had told the kids that I had been asked to leave.
Today those same staff are giving me their cell phone numbers and have asked my husband to be chairperson of the board next year. I'm probably going to be on the curiculum committee in the fall. The work I do is so "goody-good" in a way that I have to walk around a little cranky all the time and sort of snap at folks a bit to balance out the stuff I do. And the way folks just don't want to talk about racism so I sort of snap at people sometimes. And it's becoming clear I am wanted there. It's clear that I'm making it clear who I am and what I have to offer is solid. (I mean, just because I teach listening and crying as a way to end racism doesn't mean I'm available 24/7 to listen to you or that I'm a touchy-feely airhead.)
So I have not given up or walked away. I responded strong. I stood up and yelled back and also explained myself a little. But, geez, that was hard on me personally.
I called P.W. and she said, "What do you expect? Talking about *racism* is so *scary* for people, that's what you'll get!" (Attacked.)
Just you can know how crushed I really fucking felt. I felt really bad. I mean. Here I was excited about the assembly and really connecting with the kids. And because one of them cried about the impact racism has had on her life I was told I needed parent buy-in before I could lead such things. It was a good thing though because I feel so much more ready to face such things again in a more present way and less "surprised" way!
Also, they outed me, because a white gal was there and I (rather stupidly I'd say now because she is in an interracial family and this was just not necessary at the time especially my first project at the school) asked her to go because it was just students of color. I could have used it as an opportunity to discuss and acknowledge white privilege. She burst into tears and ran down to her classroom where the teacher got fired up at me and she's the one who yelled at me and called me reverse racist.
I actually told her there's no such thing. Which I stand by.
Check out the erase racism carnival at Irrationalpoint.
Kevin talks about the need for safe space in social justice movements:
'I am, however, baffled at the inability of so many people to understand that sometimes people need to gather amongst their own and talk their shit out. This has nothing to do with ostracizing or excluding anyone. This doesn’t mean that people of color aren’t willing to engage and work with White people.
...It’s when people argue that since there’s an African-American studies department, there should also be an European-American studies department, as if there isn’t already an European-American studies department. It’s called University Education.'
Anyway, I have this relationship with this teenage (African American / Filipino heritage) guy. When I was a teenager I couldn't see teenage boys clearly. Now I 'm 45 and I in some ways still think they are big mysteries and that's just my stuff. I get to get through it that they want support. That they want me in their lives. (I can finally tell this with my 22 year-old son. Hooray!) And I am okay. I'm okay to be around. I'm not a stupid unconscious person that is a drag. That's what my distress tells me. The fucking insecurity of "why would young people want to be around me?"
I share this so you, too, dear reader, will get through your fear of teens :-)
I'm so amazed that I actually get to get through this and have young people in my life. In classes and as part of the family center. They will be allies to the younger ones.
He said to me. Take my mom with you, their scared of her. (To the school board meeting to get staff buy-in on the racism awareness assembly for next year.) :-) lol. His mom just kicked some butt in Mississippi this last week. She fought the Operation Save America group and got them kicked out of the church which was housing them for un-Christian-like behavior. She had friends from all over the country, Islamic friends, call the Mayor of Jackson and the governor of Mississippi and complain about the group as well. The clinic is still open.
An intense confrontation is taking place between defenders of reproductive freedom and “right wingers” determined to close Mississippi’s only abortion clinic. Multicultural coalitions, such as NOW, Radical Women, Anti-Racist Action, Common Ground, Feminist Majority, Unity Miss., and World Can’t Wait said they are facing bomb threats and aggressive harassment, while police act as buffers for the far-right Operation Save America (formerly Operation Rescue).
It is the last abortion clinic open still in Mississippi.
I received an email that there will be more harrassment this week though from a different group (Oh Saratoga) who is in town.
So, I'm having a little "session" * while blogging. Cried and got out that old stuff that says I'm not good enough. It tells me who the hell would like you? Why would anyone come over to *your* house.
But today many people came by and called.
I'm calling my new business "Grand Central Massage and Energy Work" and have a large poster of NYC Grand Central Station in the 1940s. It's grand. That'll be in my office along with a baseball scene where a black player is stealing home as three white guys (the ump, the catcher and the batter) look on. It's quite a statement and it brings me joy to see it. They both did. More so than the ocean scenes or the flowers. Even the poppies by Georgia O'Keeffe (which I love).
It's what gave me the most joy looking at it. So I decided to go for what gives me the most joy. And that is also the name Grand Central Massage.
When asked why it's an easy reply. Because I envision lots of people coming in. And you can leave your baggage here!! :-)
We've cleared the new garage and a client will put in a wall and another friend is cutting in a door for the office this week.
I came across a listing of old goals. A lot of it said "people come to me for ... blah blah" mostly health stuff and to have good cries and stuff. This is what gives me joy. I love listening to people. I love being close to people and being part of their journey. I love being part of world peace.
And, I am "becoming the woman I've wanted" (there's a book titled that) that is so amazing to me. I can't beleive it. I always thought I'd be dead. I always thought I'd be so lonely. And now I have this incredible family. This husband and friends. And home and community. And chance to be part of waking up the US.
We're not doomed. I'm not doomed. The middle east and other tragic sites look doomed but people will bridge and figure this out.
Cool.
*a session is when you purposely release tension which gets in the way of your best thinking or in the way of having the life and the world you want. This tension release can be crying, laughing, perspiring, trembling, yawning, rapid talking, yelling or physically pushing--and is usually best done with the relaxed attention of a warm and approving listener.
Day two of this financial thing.
Had a lot of feelings.
Notice that I am cranky and not trying to hide it. (I'm showing myself, one of the things I admire about poc and raised poor folk, generally speaking) But in my case, it's all the oppressive stuff coming out at usually white, working-class or poor people. At least I'm not doing the polite middle-class thing but no, this just is not right and it's my chronic privilege stuff. I can feel it and it doesn't feel good. But it has been there all along. I haven't gotten through it yet.
There's a deeper level I need to go.
Like the "I'll get mine and screw you" syndrome which typically typifies classist and racist chronic conditioning. (Argh but get me MY air conditioning. No! I don't THINK so white girl!) ;-)
Sort of like really rude at times. I have been pretty politically correct for several years now except to my kids and husband when no one is around.
I was a jerk to this okay white older guy working at the post office because he wanted me to bring in my home mortgage contract to prove that I bought the home and so he'd give me my mailbox key. That annoys me because all the mail will be addressed to me and I had my ID with me. And I now have to go back later. That is so stupid! So I started mouthing off to him and another postal worker, a woman who I'd chummed with just PC-days before, looked really annoyed as she walked in and heard me mouthing off to this guy.
I am usually on a longer fuse. The other day I yelled at my kids in the street here in our new neighborhood. We are the minority as white. But it actually seemed to clear the air and everybody just felt a lot more comfortable on our street with us. It felt that way. Who knows. I could be on the moon.
it just seemed a little tense before that.
Decided to, instead of the casual term "girlfriend" this and "girlfriend" that, if the person is white I'm going to say "white girl" this and "white girl" that. Woah, I'll see what happens! The invisibility of whiteness and privilege has got to go.
I did go deep this a.m. with my peer who I work on ending racism with. She's native and counsels me on being white and pushes me to meet and get close to Native Americans. Uh, easy stuff to look at right? Well, I'm sure that moving, being in boxes and keeping genocide in your face can make you pissy. Especially a good white girl like me who never in a million years thought I had anything to do with any of that. And I certainly couldn't like do anything about it except maybe ripoff a little Indian spirituality here and there could I? Guess again. Ms Peer sees to it, demands that I not romaniticize her people.
Chocolate here I come. No, actually I'm having carrot stix. (bitch moan)
Done blogging for now.
News is about 200 stampeded to my blogspot site yesterday because of links from Ampersand and some parenting site. That was neat. They were all reading the Baby boys, not born sexist article.
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