2 posts tagged “money”

"...and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save."
__Mary Oliver

Working on my own behalf. What I learn from working-class people and poc is how to think in places I previously couldn't think. I have some places I can think outside of the oppression that I share with them if they like. So it's a good match.

What I mean is, I cleaned the bottom part of my house today and got most of a financial report ready to review.

I'm announcing that I'm in debt and I have no business spending on parties or pretending I have cash because I don't.

So, it's not so much a confessional as a beginning of living differently. And I go in and out of being grouchy, bored, angry and many different things. It comes again to the luxury of these feelings and how it's actually not about me. Yet I am accustomed to it being about me.

It's okay. I mean, it's just not going to be part of the solution when racism is over in our structures.

I mean, each of us gets to take up space and breathe the air and have fun. It's just that. Each of us. Not just me. Not just you.

Well, this has been helpful for me.

I'm chewing on a talk I had with a guy who is an anti-racism advocate yet he's suddenly, for me, a waker-upper for anti-racism activists.

A couple things he said which stood out for me.

His friends of color, if given the choice, would much rather have racism eliminated in society's structures such as prisons, and education and housing opportunities than for he, himself, to be perfectly free of any racist conditioning.

I find myself smiling thinking about that. There's an obvious retort to that but still -- why not just savor that for a bit. Ain't it the truth?

The other? Ending racism in ME is again, all about me.

And another? He thinks everyone really thinks they are good. Even the massively destructive folk. They are certain they are good says he.

This, of course, flies in the face of my usual rant that racism comes from folks who feel reeeeely badly about themselves.

And a concern of his which strikes fear in my heart (:)) That even I might think I'm good and I'm actually not.

That certainly seems to be the case at the moment. lol No but seriously, it's sort of like having someone hold a mirror up to your face and you suddenly see the places you couldn't see before. Like what it's like for folks who just meet you. What does your upcoming center really mean to you? And what are you willing to do to see it happen?

Simultaneously realizing that you can't fall apart when someone doesn't like you or if you feel misunderstood. At a neighborhood potluck last night, speaking with a woc who said she was criticized by other black folks (basically for being so pro-active and positive). I realized she didn't get the luxury of being devastated for a year like I often do. Hmmm. *takes a nice deep breath* Yeah, it rolls off her back. My thought is that is where I'm headed. Because I won't carry around these luxuries which actually stop me from participating in my own life. She's living. Continuously. There is no time out.

Love you all!!  Blessings. Good night. I'm back and far less concerned about cohesiveness and being an expert.

Day two of this financial thing.

Had a lot of feelings.

Notice that I am cranky and not trying to hide it. (I'm showing myself, one of the things I admire about poc and raised poor folk, generally speaking) But in my case, it's all the oppressive stuff coming out at usually white, working-class or poor people. At least I'm not doing the polite middle-class thing but no, this just is not right and it's my chronic privilege stuff. I can feel it and it doesn't feel good. But it has been there all along. I haven't gotten through it yet.

There's a deeper level I need to go.

It shows right when I'm hot and sweaty, tired and impatient. The thing that prompted this was searching for an air conditioner and going from store to store and they were all sold out. Even the fans. I just kept getting less and less friendly to whoever I came in contact with.

Like the "I'll get mine and screw you" syndrome which typically typifies classist and racist chronic conditioning. (Argh but get me MY air conditioning. No! I don't THINK so white girl!) ;-)

Sort of like really rude at times. I have been pretty politically correct for several years now except to my kids and husband when no one is around.

I was a jerk to this okay white older guy working at the post office because he wanted me to bring in my home mortgage contract to prove that I bought the home and so he'd give me my mailbox key. That annoys me because all the mail will be addressed to me and I had my ID with me. And I now have to go back later. That is so stupid! So I started mouthing off to him and another postal worker, a woman who I'd chummed with just PC-days before, looked really annoyed as she walked in and heard me mouthing off to this guy.

I am usually on a longer fuse. The other day I yelled at my kids in the street here in our new neighborhood. We are the minority as white. But it actually seemed to clear the air and everybody just felt a lot more comfortable on our street with us. It felt that way. Who knows. I could be on the moon.

it just seemed a little tense before that.

Decided to, instead of the casual term "girlfriend" this and "girlfriend" that, if the person is white I'm going to say "white girl" this and "white girl" that. Woah, I'll see what happens! The invisibility of whiteness and privilege has got to go.

I did go deep this a.m. with my peer who I work on ending racism with. She's native and counsels me on being white and pushes me to meet and get close to Native Americans. Uh, easy stuff to look at right? Well, I'm sure that moving, being in boxes and keeping genocide in your face can make you pissy. Especially a good white girl like me who never in a million years thought I had anything to do with any of that. And I certainly couldn't like do anything about it except maybe ripoff a little Indian spirituality here and there could I? Guess again. Ms Peer sees to it, demands that I not romaniticize her people.

Chocolate here I come. No, actually I'm having carrot stix. (bitch moan)

Done blogging for now.

News is about 200 stampeded to my blogspot site yesterday because of links from Ampersand and some parenting site. That was neat. They were all reading the Baby boys, not born sexist article.