13 posts from 2006

Happy Chrismukkah--Kwanzaa ... Love you all.

Those who know me, know I don't have time for blogging right now. So, curl up by the fire ...

Here's a little bio I put together last year for my blog at culturekitchen.com and now--for your reading pleasure.

So we get the day off. It's a holiday. Based on?

Well, celebrating the brutal way European terrorists invaded this continent. We're thankful. We're grateful. As I remember it as a young person it was thankful for all *God* has given us. And we were taught that the righteous were blessed.

Woah, wait a minute. So let me get this straight. Does that mean whoever isn't *blessed* is not righteous? Does this mean that the poor--or those with less resources than we have--are somehow evil and being punished by *God*?

I feel like this is such a huge cliche to even be writing about. Not a good day for me to write. But I'm not going to write Happy Thanksgiving. My husband and I were walking down the street this morning here in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle (We're here visiting his son and fiance') and he said "Happy Thanksgiving" to someone. I said, "I'd be careful if I were you. Not everyone is into this holiday. For example, say that to a Native American and they'd probably want to kill you." He said that to him it's just a day to be grateful for what we have.

If you can beleive that the first Europeans to come here were ever civil to the Natives and that there was some sort of feast everyone had all together then that would be a reason to celebrate and to try and restore the relationship by some pretty big apologies and restoration efforts. (Those efforts incidentally would not be whites' assumptions about what an apology is, but would be based on the leadership and direction of the Nations themselves.)

Even if that were true, and what really happened wasn't just bunch of snooty pilgrims determined to leave behind ever being oppressed again--even if that meant oppressing others--even if there really were respectful, thoughtful and genuine relationships at the outset of the first Europeans stepping foot on this continent. Even if it were true, so much has gone down since then that is not in that spirit how can the holiday still be based on the same stories?

I just have a lot of feelings about it. I think that if families get together and feast and such that it is a good time to completely change the reasons we do that. At the very least have a history restoration project which would bring to light how the relations between Native Americans and Europeans went massively askew. I mean the truth.

It's a huge project to end what is now called white racism. To end it and to heal from its affects. The big focus is on foreign oil and terrorism. It's not on our own backyard, the destructive force of capitolism or on what the Native community / individuals feel would be reparative.

And who could focus on that stuff? It would take a huge amount of discipline to focus on a) what our ancestors have done that is hideous i.e. attempted genocide, stealing of land to create US wealth ...

So the only way I see to create the discipline of being able to think about that stuff as white folk is to follow what a woman-I'll call her Mr.--has to say. She, Mister, doesn't want me to name her name publicly. Why not? She is Native American and by her own description it is just plain too terrifying to have her name listed publicly. She calls it genocide recordings. She says that this is a distress pattern handed down generation upon generation within her Native heritage. This genocide recording is a result of her people being killed on a massive scale by those who wished to completely wipe them out.

A recording is a false button in your brain--to put it simply--that plays at crucial times. For her, it's just too damn terrifying to be visible because the recording says (and don't get me wrong, the recording is based on true events in the past) she will be killed if people see her.

But I've been working within her guidelines for the past four years. She did lead a small workshop (and continues to lead these) for those who wish to learn to be white allies to Native Americans. Her first task for us was to spend the first year having sessions where we focus on our "good" ness as white people. Sounds impossible doesn't it? In a room full of brown people who my white ancestors have done nothing but murderous wrong to and my instinct is to shrink into guilt and get out of that room as soon as possible and never go back.

That's precisely her reason for the first part, the first step in a two part series she had us begin. The first part is to have these listening exchanges where we notice our goodness.

Now this brings up some funny questions. What do you mean by good? Why should that matter and aren't you kidding yourself? Well, what she means by good is you and I never asked to be born into an oppressor group. She means to go into sessions and remember all the times you or I fought hard to not participate in the oppression. Some of the ways may seem unrelated but they aren't. If you and I sit down I can go over this with you. There have been, since birth, many instances where we tried hard to fight racism in our families. And we got dealt with pretty severely. It was made clear to us that to not go along with the oppression would mean we'd be dealt with severely. We'd be drugged, locked up, ostracized ... etc. It would not bode us well. And there was reallly, as young ones, no place for us to turn. But the session itself would look at all the ways we tried--even if we have given up for years already--to fight for what we knew was right. And we'd be encouraged to release tension or emotions related to how it was to grow up and be trained in an oppressor role in society.

A little more on why I follow her lead on focusing on human's inherent goodness: No child would ever participate in genocide or the perpetuation of slowly killing off a people by stealing their home and their spirituality and their languages etc etc unless they were lied to, and also treated just harshly enough in sometimes subtle ways but for extended periods of time that they eventually shut up and went along with it or "went crazy" (this is the way the mental health system tends to perpetuate racism) and were locked up or became drug addicts etc.

So, if I, in other words sat here and wallowed in how bad I am or how bad you are or how bad our parents or our grandparents or our great great great great grandparents were, I think within hours one of us would be very busy finding something else more pleasant to do.

The point isn't whether we're bad or good. But what are we trying to do. (Wow, J.E. I can't beleive I came around to this! :) And what is in the way of accomplishing it? How are we going to accomplish it?

I do find Mister's workshops and instructions to be helpful. And I am interested in the usefulness of emotional release in recovering one's ability to think clearly. (By thinking clearly I mean outside of racist, classist, competitive, oppressive conditioning.) She, as an international leader for Native people and in teaching white folks to be allies, teaches the discharge process and listening exchange process as key. But she has us as white folks spend a good chunk of time on saying in session that we are pleased with ourselves as white people.

Before you take off, confused and with no faith in my sanity, let me tell you what she teaches as the next step.

We then spend one year in sessions which focus on how we, as white people still benefit today by the genocide of Native Americans.

How do I benefit by the genocide of Native people?

And that's the assignment for the second year. I spend hundreds of hours discharging and facing it and coming back to it for another long hour after hour. If I hadn't put in the first part--how good I am by nature--I'd be sunk. I'd want to die, kill myself, or just forget about the whole thing and so whatever--be shit-faced drunk, or what we already do "just keep 'em on the rez or in jail!"

That's what we already do.

I beleive that is why racism is perpetuated. It's too damn painful to face!!

Mister has a method for facing the facts. It's kept my face in it and I have seen more and more white people who are able to keep their faces in being advocates of Native Liberation--and it didn't happen in the anti-racism school of hard knocks.

There's a place for the school of hard knocks but I'm not sure where that place is.

I'm proposing the anti-racism school of unconditional love and unwavering support. That doesn't mean we don't get tough in our love at crucial times. It doesn't mean we don't show up on each other's door steps to remind each other of the commtiment we made on item 8 page 3 of our long-term agreements to end all oppression and recover our own ability to think.

Okay, so my "school"--it's not for everyone ... That's okay. It's okay. You don't have to sign up for my school. You can run your own school or attend one where the students are routinely motivated by being reminded they are shits.

Oh, and while I'm making proposals ...  who's up for changing what "Thanksgiving" Day is all about. :)

Ciao.

Zeke said:

sea. i like this blog. it is somthing that makes sens.but i think that you should take two weeks off.

Conversation ensues days later:

Mom: You made a comment Zeke ...

Z: Yeah you should check it. It's on time out. Did you check it?"

Mom: Yes.

Z: I think you should take two weeks off instead.

Mom: Why?

Z: Because one week ago you said you were going to take a week off and you still haven't.

Mom: What do you think I've been doing?

Z: Blogging too much.

Mom: What about the people that never saw the posts I made?

Z: I don't know.

For me, I think it's more about spending time with them. Not so much to not make posts as to make sure that I'm offline at crucial times. Like when they wake up, to make meals, and to hang out. If I post and then miss those times it really affects the whole family.

One reason it's hard for parents to pay attention to our young ones is simply that we didn't have the attention we needed when we were young. It just is too hard to give something you never got. So I again turn to the listening exchange as a way for me to create the attention my young ones want from me.

What a return on a two hour investment!

"...and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save."
__Mary Oliver

Working on my own behalf. What I learn from working-class people and poc is how to think in places I previously couldn't think. I have some places I can think outside of the oppression that I share with them if they like. So it's a good match.

What I mean is, I cleaned the bottom part of my house today and got most of a financial report ready to review.

I'm announcing that I'm in debt and I have no business spending on parties or pretending I have cash because I don't.

So, it's not so much a confessional as a beginning of living differently. And I go in and out of being grouchy, bored, angry and many different things. It comes again to the luxury of these feelings and how it's actually not about me. Yet I am accustomed to it being about me.

It's okay. I mean, it's just not going to be part of the solution when racism is over in our structures.

I mean, each of us gets to take up space and breathe the air and have fun. It's just that. Each of us. Not just me. Not just you.

Well, this has been helpful for me.

I'm chewing on a talk I had with a guy who is an anti-racism advocate yet he's suddenly, for me, a waker-upper for anti-racism activists.

A couple things he said which stood out for me.

His friends of color, if given the choice, would much rather have racism eliminated in society's structures such as prisons, and education and housing opportunities than for he, himself, to be perfectly free of any racist conditioning.

I find myself smiling thinking about that. There's an obvious retort to that but still -- why not just savor that for a bit. Ain't it the truth?

The other? Ending racism in ME is again, all about me.

And another? He thinks everyone really thinks they are good. Even the massively destructive folk. They are certain they are good says he.

This, of course, flies in the face of my usual rant that racism comes from folks who feel reeeeely badly about themselves.

And a concern of his which strikes fear in my heart (:)) That even I might think I'm good and I'm actually not.

That certainly seems to be the case at the moment. lol No but seriously, it's sort of like having someone hold a mirror up to your face and you suddenly see the places you couldn't see before. Like what it's like for folks who just meet you. What does your upcoming center really mean to you? And what are you willing to do to see it happen?

Simultaneously realizing that you can't fall apart when someone doesn't like you or if you feel misunderstood. At a neighborhood potluck last night, speaking with a woc who said she was criticized by other black folks (basically for being so pro-active and positive). I realized she didn't get the luxury of being devastated for a year like I often do. Hmmm. *takes a nice deep breath* Yeah, it rolls off her back. My thought is that is where I'm headed. Because I won't carry around these luxuries which actually stop me from participating in my own life. She's living. Continuously. There is no time out.

Love you all!!  Blessings. Good night. I'm back and far less concerned about cohesiveness and being an expert.

I mean vox silly.

You thought I meant something else didn't you?

Ah, well, not such a stretch of the imagination knowing me. And you do know me.

Yes, I really am offline. It just seems to be a little wormhole in time and I'm sitting here typing on a watermelon. After all I'm not online.

The ethics of lying.

Had a good workout with Sunshine. Met with Muhammed about what's it with young people in our society today .. worked on a few people at the clinic.

I have six clients straight through tomorrow--mostly requested therapist. And some of the sessions are 90 minutes.

Yes, I need to get off this here watermelon and head for the stairs.

But, ay, first I must put fresh hay in the bunny cage.

Nighty-night all. Some of you just aren't feeling real well. I'm so sorry. Wish I was there to make it all better.

Vox is pretty cool and now they crosspost to lj! hmm test test this is a test

Friday September 22 @ 6 pm on KBOO 90.7 FM.  Also available through the web streaming. Hear the show streaming at http://www.kboo.org

People

Harshness in parenting. We've seen it across cultures, certainly.

But what is it really? It's a less harsh scenario than what that parent grew up in.

They've managed to lessen the blows they pass on to their young one.

But how?

Through sheer goodness.  Through sheer love for their child.

And sheer hatred for what happened to them.

They decided back then, back when it was so hard, to never inflict that same crap--the harshness they found themselves receiving--onto another human being. Ever.

And now you'll hear them lament that they are "just like their mom", "just like their dad."

They aren't.

They are less harsh, less mean--even if only by a fraction. But their parenting lets you get a glimpse of how it was for them as children.

But that stuff happened. And it goes into one's brain like a recording.

It doesn't seem to matter whether I saw someone be mistreated or I was actually mistreated myself. Being that small and mostly unable to stop the unfair and senseless harshness--in whatever form--is a hurt.

And hurts become oppressor patterns down the road. (In the case of POC internalized oppression.)

Unless!

Unless a natural healing process is allowed.

A young person will automatically reach for this. Watch them.

If hurt, bored, frightened, etc. a small child, before she/he has been stopped by well-meaning adults--will release the tension which is in the way of their "life-is-good" awareness.

One reason it gets hard for parents to listen to the young one is they often need someone to "blame" for their hurt, their "ow".

So the parent--who is the safest and closest person around is perfect for that need. "I hate you!" is a fine thing to say to get out the sense of helplessness and disappointment our young one is releasing at that time.

"I want to be alone" translates into, "Please stay nearby. This feels really bad right now." (And "Please don't take this personally and start dumping your parent-shit on ME.") So "I hate you" is hopeful. Things are going well in that household. So get down on the floor and smile lovingly at this brilliant being.

I swear some parenting advice on "respecting" your child is so confused they might as well say, "Respect your child's distressed confusion."

No, you can be respectful and thoughtful of the human but that means having the information that human beings thrive on closeness-particularly when they're feeling bad.

Going off alone by one's self is NOT, imo, the way to deep healing of an issue. It's a good way to "cope," to learn; "I just have to deal with this because no one else can support me here." It's a way to settle for isolation. It's giving up.

Don't give up on your young person.

(But just know you are going to need support because all your impatience, all your own victim stuff, all your insecurities will come up the minute your child shows you how hard things are inside.)

I can teach you to counsel your children.

Just like I can teach you how to not rub a black person's head unless you're really close friends and they've consented. I can tell you not to call a black man or young person "boy".

But that isn't what ends your racism--and it isn't what will end your adultism as a parent either.

Listening to you will.

I'd much rather teach you and a friend how to unravel your racist ignorance than give you a list of cultural etiquette to follow.

In the same way I hesitate to "teach parenting classes".

I teach nothing.

But connection.

Connection brings our humanness back. It brings back our natural inclination to cry out the racism, to cry out the harshness that happened to us as young ones. To rage out, shake and tremble out, to laugh hard--releasing the tension--(the tension which for POC settles the racism within themselves where it is turned on their own group or affects their health etc.)

So, no. No "list" of how to "not be racist" or how to "be a good parent".

You are a good parent.

And racism got stuck to you but it is NOT YOU! It rolls off easily through connection and time to tell how it got there. You need time to tell me/your peer HOW did racism come to be plastered all over your once fine and unfettered mind?

What's your first, your earliest recollection?

And none of this, "Oh, no that's not me. I'm not racist."

Okay then, so you live in a world of white privilege where folks of color are suffering and you do nothing about it. You're maybe trying to save the environment?

You don't think that apathy itself is racist?

Let's back up a little.

You're good. You're a good parent. Let's say you're white. Do you notice you're white? Is that comfy for ya? Or not?

If it's pissing you off that I call you white girl/guy, the self-studying soul that you are (TIC) then embrace it!

Why the hell not, dear baby boomer, embrace your discomfort, take my word for it for five seconds and know that you've been deeply conditioned to hold racism firmly in place with your VERY smug self-righteousness!!

And this trains your children to do the same.

If you don't beleive me, take your white child right now deep as you can into the heart of a black or brown large family or town and get in real close. Settle yourself down on the couch or the floor and stay awhile.

Your child (if not you) will begin a show of just how far y'all have gotten as white folks from really being "colorblind."

You're not. That's right. You're about as colorblind as a hummingbird.

Go be the minority for a few hours.

The feelings you feel are the racism stuck to you.

But there is hope!

(It's not a natural state to be uncomfortable around a large group of POC. You actually get to get through this. :-))

There's hope for ending harshness in ourselves as parents and there's hope for melting out fucking rigidities around race and class!

It's not a gimmick. It's not snake oil. It's not a cult, trademarked or patented.

It's called time, attention, listening, processing, connecting and ACTION!

Sea Ganschow leads white people in punching the time clock to talk about, process and END racism.

Crossposted at culturekitchen.com

I know that the thing I just read on Persephone's Box makes sense. But I also know that it is something I've been thinking about lately.

I once had an exceptional philosophy student who had lived in India most of his life in abject poverty. A relative sponsored him to get him a better education here. We were studying the nature of happiness one day. He told us that he doesn't think anyone in Canada knows what happiness is. Back home in India, people who hadn't eated in a day were happier than Canadians. He said he'd never seen so many miserable, depressed people. In his analysis, we don't know how to be happy because we think it's tied to money, pretty clothes, nice houses and good schools, but it's not at all. If you want to measure happiness, you have to measure the quality of relationships people have. He suggests that if you hate your parents, like most of the high school kids he met did, then how can you possibly be happy? And if you can't stay in a relationship with one person for more than a few years, how happy can you be?

I think he's on to something. We even expect kids to go through a stage of development characterized by annoyance with their elders. And energy is spent on careers and consuming at the expense of time playing and loving. But we look around and think, we've got so much stuff, we must be happy.

The part "we even expect kids to go through ... annoyance with their elders..." The whole post is good and I wanted to write about being an ally to teens. ... (It also ties in well with my recent money recovery project day one and day two.)

Day two of this financial thing.

Had a lot of feelings.

Notice that I am cranky and not trying to hide it. (I'm showing myself, one of the things I admire about poc and raised poor folk, generally speaking) But in my case, it's all the oppressive stuff coming out at usually white, working-class or poor people. At least I'm not doing the polite middle-class thing but no, this just is not right and it's my chronic privilege stuff. I can feel it and it doesn't feel good. But it has been there all along. I haven't gotten through it yet.

There's a deeper level I need to go.

Like the "I'll get mine and screw you" syndrome which typically typifies classist and racist chronic conditioning. (Argh but get me MY air conditioning. No! I don't THINK so white girl!) ;-)

Sort of like really rude at times. I have been pretty politically correct for several years now except to my kids and husband when no one is around.

I was a jerk to this okay white older guy working at the post office because he wanted me to bring in my home mortgage contract to prove that I bought the home and so he'd give me my mailbox key. That annoys me because all the mail will be addressed to me and I had my ID with me. And I now have to go back later. That is so stupid! So I started mouthing off to him and another postal worker, a woman who I'd chummed with just PC-days before, looked really annoyed as she walked in and heard me mouthing off to this guy.

I am usually on a longer fuse. The other day I yelled at my kids in the street here in our new neighborhood. We are the minority as white. But it actually seemed to clear the air and everybody just felt a lot more comfortable on our street with us. It felt that way. Who knows. I could be on the moon.

it just seemed a little tense before that.

Decided to, instead of the casual term "girlfriend" this and "girlfriend" that, if the person is white I'm going to say "white girl" this and "white girl" that. Woah, I'll see what happens! The invisibility of whiteness and privilege has got to go.

I did go deep this a.m. with my peer who I work on ending racism with. She's native and counsels me on being white and pushes me to meet and get close to Native Americans. Uh, easy stuff to look at right? Well, I'm sure that moving, being in boxes and keeping genocide in your face can make you pissy. Especially a good white girl like me who never in a million years thought I had anything to do with any of that. And I certainly couldn't like do anything about it except maybe ripoff a little Indian spirituality here and there could I? Guess again. Ms Peer sees to it, demands that I not romaniticize her people.

Chocolate here I come. No, actually I'm having carrot stix. (bitch moan)

Done blogging for now.

News is about 200 stampeded to my blogspot site yesterday because of links from Ampersand and some parenting site. That was neat. They were all reading the Baby boys, not born sexist article.