Becoming the Woman I've Wanted ...
I know that the
thing I just read on Persephone's Box makes sense. But I also know that it is something
I've been thinking about lately.
I once had an exceptional philosophy student who had lived in India most of his life in abject poverty. A relative sponsored him to get him a better education here. We were studying the nature of happiness one day. He told us that he doesn't think anyone in Canada knows what happiness is. Back home in India, people who hadn't eated in a day were happier than Canadians. He said he'd never seen so many miserable, depressed people. In his analysis, we don't know how to be happy because we think it's tied to money, pretty clothes, nice houses and good schools, but it's not at all. If you want to measure happiness, you have to measure the quality of relationships people have. He suggests that if you hate your parents, like most of the high school kids he met did, then how can you possibly be happy? And if you can't stay in a relationship with one person for more than a few years, how happy can you be?
I think he's on to something. We even expect kids to go through a stage of development characterized by annoyance with their elders. And energy is spent on careers and consuming at the expense of time playing and loving. But we look around and think, we've got so much stuff, we must be happy.
The part "we even expect kids to go through ... annoyance with their elders..." The whole post is good and I wanted to write about being an ally to teens. ... (It also ties in well with my recent money recovery project day one and day two.)
I mean, it's just wild that he also asked me today about what happened two years ago. I mean, it took two years of just consistently being around his mom, being a friend, and sort of just like being around without really pushing anything (for him to feel close enough to me and safe enough I guess) and he asked me today what happened. I had been working on an anti-racism assembly, a racism awareness assembly we were calling it then, and one day the staff just plain kicked my ass out of the project.
No one else was available to assist the young people of color. But me.
One of the teachers yelled at me and called me a reverse racist. That was pretty funny. But altho I could not come to the meetings I still followed through on what the young people had requested of me and I got them a speaker. R.N., ass-kick black woman of Portland. And all the fears that it was going to be a hostile assembly were unfounded. R.N. could not be more loving. She is tough but she is full of love. For all.
So today, he asked me what had happened to me because the staff had told the kids that I had been asked to leave.
Today those same staff are giving me their cell phone numbers and have asked my husband to be chairperson of the board next year. I'm probably going to be on the curiculum committee in the fall. The work I do is so "goody-good" in a way that I have to walk around a little cranky all the time and sort of snap at folks a bit to balance out the stuff I do. And the way folks just don't want to talk about racism so I sort of snap at people sometimes. And it's becoming clear I am wanted there. It's clear that I'm making it clear who I am and what I have to offer is solid. (I mean, just because I teach listening and crying as a way to end racism doesn't mean I'm available 24/7 to listen to you or that I'm a touchy-feely airhead.)
So I have not given up or walked away. I responded strong. I stood up and yelled back and also explained myself a little. But, geez, that was hard on me personally.
I called P.W. and she said, "What do you expect? Talking about *racism* is so *scary* for people, that's what you'll get!" (Attacked.)
Just you can know how crushed I really fucking felt. I felt really bad. I mean. Here I was excited about the assembly and really connecting with the kids. And because one of them cried about the impact racism has had on her life I was told I needed parent buy-in before I could lead such things. It was a good thing though because I feel so much more ready to face such things again in a more present way and less "surprised" way!
Also, they outed me, because a white gal was there and I (rather stupidly I'd say now because she is in an interracial family and this was just not necessary at the time especially my first project at the school) asked her to go because it was just students of color. I could have used it as an opportunity to discuss and acknowledge white privilege. She burst into tears and ran down to her classroom where the teacher got fired up at me and she's the one who yelled at me and called me reverse racist.
I actually told her there's no such thing. Which I stand by.
Check out the erase racism carnival at Irrationalpoint.
Kevin talks about the need for safe space in social justice movements:
'I am, however, baffled at the inability of so many people to understand that sometimes people need to gather amongst their own and talk their shit out. This has nothing to do with ostracizing or excluding anyone. This doesn’t mean that people of color aren’t willing to engage and work with White people.
...It’s when people argue that since there’s an African-American studies department, there should also be an European-American studies department, as if there isn’t already an European-American studies department. It’s called University Education.'
Anyway, I have this relationship with this teenage (African American / Filipino heritage) guy. When I was a teenager I couldn't see teenage boys clearly. Now I 'm 45 and I in some ways still think they are big mysteries and that's just my stuff. I get to get through it that they want support. That they want me in their lives. (I can finally tell this with my 22 year-old son. Hooray!) And I am okay. I'm okay to be around. I'm not a stupid unconscious person that is a drag. That's what my distress tells me. The fucking insecurity of "why would young people want to be around me?"
I share this so you, too, dear reader, will get through your fear of teens :-)
I'm so amazed that I actually get to get through this and have young people in my life. In classes and as part of the family center. They will be allies to the younger ones.
He said to me. Take my mom with you, their scared of her. (To the school board meeting to get staff buy-in on the racism awareness assembly for next year.) :-) lol. His mom just kicked some butt in Mississippi this last week. She fought the Operation Save America group and got them kicked out of the church which was housing them for un-Christian-like behavior. She had friends from all over the country, Islamic friends, call the Mayor of Jackson and the governor of Mississippi and complain about the group as well. The clinic is still open.
An intense confrontation is taking place between defenders of reproductive freedom and “right wingers” determined to close Mississippi’s only abortion clinic. Multicultural coalitions, such as NOW, Radical Women, Anti-Racist Action, Common Ground, Feminist Majority, Unity Miss., and World Can’t Wait said they are facing bomb threats and aggressive harassment, while police act as buffers for the far-right Operation Save America (formerly Operation Rescue).
It is the last abortion clinic open still in Mississippi.
I received an email that there will be more harrassment this week though from a different group (Oh Saratoga) who is in town.
So, I'm having a little "session" * while blogging. Cried and got out that old stuff that says I'm not good enough. It tells me who the hell would like you? Why would anyone come over to *your* house.
But today many people came by and called.
I'm calling my new business "Grand Central Massage and Energy Work" and have a large poster of NYC Grand Central Station in the 1940s. It's grand. That'll be in my office along with a baseball scene where a black player is stealing home as three white guys (the ump, the catcher and the batter) look on. It's quite a statement and it brings me joy to see it. They both did. More so than the ocean scenes or the flowers. Even the poppies by Georgia O'Keeffe (which I love).
It's what gave me the most joy looking at it. So I decided to go for what gives me the most joy. And that is also the name Grand Central Massage.
When asked why it's an easy reply. Because I envision lots of people coming in. And you can leave your baggage here!! :-)
We've cleared the new garage and a client will put in a wall and another friend is cutting in a door for the office this week.
I came across a listing of old goals. A lot of it said "people come to me for ... blah blah" mostly health stuff and to have good cries and stuff. This is what gives me joy. I love listening to people. I love being close to people and being part of their journey. I love being part of world peace.
And, I am "becoming the woman I've wanted" (there's a book titled that) that is so amazing to me. I can't beleive it. I always thought I'd be dead. I always thought I'd be so lonely. And now I have this incredible family. This husband and friends. And home and community. And chance to be part of waking up the US.
We're not doomed. I'm not doomed. The middle east and other tragic sites look doomed but people will bridge and figure this out.
Cool.
*a session is when you purposely release tension which gets in the way of your best thinking or in the way of having the life and the world you want. This tension release can be crying, laughing, perspiring, trembling, yawning, rapid talking, yelling or physically pushing--and is usually best done with the relaxed attention of a warm and approving listener.
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